Ciara/Russell/Future: I Don’t Want Anybody Around My Damn Kids!

Over the past couple of days, there has been this big fuss over Ciara’s son taking all of these family orientated pictures with Russell Wilson, who is her current boyfriend.  The child’s father Future, is upset about this.  What I’ve been hearing from a lot of women, and people in general is that since Future and Ciara are no longer together, she has the right to move on with her life and that includes her having a new boyfriend that will be around the child.  Other people are saying that as long as you are an active father it shouldn’t matter because you can never be replaced as the father.

I remember months ago, I had a discussion with a group of females on how do they feel about their child’s father having other women around their child. Approximately 90% of them were against it.  They said that they did not feel comfortable with another woman being around their child when they were not around, especially if they didn’t know the woman.  I continued to ask them would it matter if the child’s father has been with this woman for quite some time now?  The consensus still remained that if she doesn’t know the woman, then she doesn’t want that woman around the child.  So obviously this must mean she doesn’t trust the dad to make good decisions on choosing a mate without her approval.  Also, they went on to say that even if they met the woman and didn’t personally like her, that they wouldn’t want her to be around their child. I responded with the fact that the child actually loves her and she’s a great caregiver. The unanimous response was “My child already has a mother!”

So now let’s revisit the Ciara and Future situation with these thoughts in mind.  So now it’s okay for her to bring a man around her son that the father doesn’t approve of?  So now it’s okay to bring a man around her son that the father hasn’t officially met and had a talk with?  So now all that matters is that he is a good role model and father figure for Ciara’s son?  And that we should be happy that the child has 2 father figures.  This blog was not written to establish whether Ciara is right or wrong.  This blog is to show how hypocritical many women are.  And it all goes back to the primary guardian belief.  The belief that the mother will always make better guardianship and relationship decisions than the man in regards to who they have their child around.  It’s really disgusting that the hypocrisy is pushed under the rug.

But while we are here, let’s talk about the second argument about the child’s father can’t be replaced if they are active.  This is actually bullshit.  I’ll explain why.  Let’s talk court logistics.  You have a custodial parent and a non-custodial parent.  A non-custodial parent is likely to get visitation, which is every weekend for arguments sake.  That’s 2 days a week.  The custodial parent will have the child for the other 5.  If the custodial parent is in a serious relationship or lives with their boyfriend, that boyfriend will likely see the child 5 days a week, which is more than the non-custodial parent.  But this is math right?  It’s to be expected.  Now let’s factor in age.  Anybody who has kids, know that children don’t really start identifying with their parents heavily until they are between the ages of 3 and 5, especially if both parents are not in the household on a daily basis.  It’s very different for a 10 month old than it is for a 4 year old.  If a 10 month old is exposed to the boyfriend 5 days out of the week, and the dad 2 days out of the

week, that child is going to gravitate to the boyfriend as the father because that’s the parent that the child sees the most.  This can and will confuse the child.  This is why even psychologist suggests that you should keep your very young children away from your dating life, especially if the other parent is active.  This can confuse your child.  Your child may start looking at the dad as a playmate visitor and the boyfriend as the authority figure because he’s in the house with the child.  You are now daddy #2 to no fault of your own. Now I know some women are going to say that this is what happens when parents separate, but these women would be the same ones complaining if the father did this to them if he had custody.  I feel that children under the age of 2 should not be exposed to any other man more than their father, if he is active.  If he’s a deadbeat, it’s a whole different ballgame.

A child that is a little bit older and has an established relationship with their dad is quite different.  A 4-5 year old should have a good concept of who their dad is if you’ve spent enough time with them.  At this point, it shouldn’t even matter who the mother introduces into the child’s life.  Your relationship at that point can only be destroyed by you dad!  I agree that mom should move on with her life and date.  I’m not saying that mom should wait until her child is 4 or 5 to date.  I’m saying that it would be wise for mom to wait until the child is 3 or 4 to start introducing other men to her child.  Let the father and child relationship become established and strong first.  

But unfortunately, some women are bitter and are looking for a replacement daddy.  This is reasonable if the other parent is an absent or deadbeat parent.  But if the parent is active, this is undeniably a bitter move.  Step-dads are supposed to be role models and support systems, not replacement dads.  Women who do this, set their children up for heartbreak.  What happens when this man decides that he no longer wants a family life and leaves?  You never told your child that fathers can get up and leave.  Now your child is devastated.  I’m all for children having more than one male role model, but please provide clarity in their roles.  A dad and a step-dad do not have the same roles if the dad is active.  People will disagree, and that’s cool, but you needed to have a different point of view on this.

So in conclusion, I don’t think Ciara is wrong. I just hope she understands that Russell is an extra, not a replacement.  I just hope Russell understands the responsibility of being a step-dad.  He can’t just walk away because he’s tired of the relationship.  There’s a child involved.  And for Future, I hope he understands that Ciara is going to move on with her life and it is in his best interest to befriend Russell and start a positive relationship with him.  But these folks are all grown and will figure it out.