What can you do when your relationship starts to fizzle and he is showing signs of being unavailable?
The number you have reached is disconnected….
But you keep on dialing that number, wondering how the hell did it get disconnected so fast? And why isn’t anybody paying the damn bill to get the lines back on! Every other day you try that number because you are really trying to get through to this person. This person is important to you and you’re trying to reach out to them, but you can’t because the damn number is disconnected. We are talking about your man, your lover, your partner. What do you do when he becomes emotionally unavailable to you?
Most of us will start to nag the fucking hell out of him because he’s not paying us any attention. But what made him check out? If it’s you? Are you strong and/or mature enough to admit that emotionally your man is not in sync with you because of you? Perhaps you have been overbearing, insensitive to some of his needs or not taking care of yourself. Maybe there is something happening in his life that he just can’t articulate to you at this moment because he just isn’t sure what his next move is going to be, so the question is, what do you do in the meantime when your mate has disconnected all lines of communication between the two of you?
Ask him if he would like to talk. He’ll probably say no. Ask him again anyway. Try asking at a different time or use a different tone or approach. Little by little, earn his trust, make him feel as if he can talk to you. He still may not tell you what is wrong, but he’ll loosen up, he might even change his mind as to what was bothering him without even telling you.
Say positive things to him. Keep it general since you don’t know the specifics of his issue. Be kind to him, stay out of his way, but show him you do care. Don’t send him emotional texts, it will just make him withdraw further. Save the emotionally girly shit for later, right now is not the time for it. Don’t bug him to death to tell you, that will only make matters worse. Move about your daily activities, doing what you have been doing, providing that it doesn’t consist of you getting on his nerves. Not sure what’s on your man’s mind? Here are a few things that bother men the most and may cause them to shut down and not give a flying fuck who it affects.
1. Money: If your man’s money is funny you can absolutely forget about that ninja for a minute. You won’t know who this other person is that you share a bed with. He will walk, talk, act, move differently. He will be mean possibly, angry, nasty and most of all very quiet. There is NOTHING else on his mind, but ways to get his bread right. So unless you got a million dollars in your purse? Stay the fuck out of his way and just make sure he has dinner at night. Because if your man is broke and on top of that hungry? You’re liable to get slapped, left and possibly robbed.
2. Pressure: Pressure of any kind is a sure way to make a man go into hiding. If he has a woman pressuring him for anything “big”, marriage, to make more money, to purchase a big item, to stop hanging with his friends, to checking that irate family member etc., these things will cause a brother to fall back and really reevaluate some things. More than anything he’ll be reevaluating the person that is applying all of this pressure. Is it you?
3. Life(style) changes: Maybe he had to downgrade because he made a bad business investment (it all goes back to money) or something like that and he has to make some changes. But you’re not feeling it! And you make no qualms about showing it. When you tell him “it’s okay,” he can see right through you. Because your attitude has changed, you’re rolling your eyes, your energy sucks! That’s all he needs to feel is that his woman is not a ride or die and he’s shutting down on your ass. Nothing more to talk about. It’ll take a second before he looks at you the same again. He might not ever look at you the same again. So be genuine in your approach ladies.
4. Side-Eye: As women, sometimes we just don’t have any couth, admit it. We can say some real bullshit out of our mouths and not be aware of how it can change a man’s attitude and perception of us. And most of the time he won’t say anything right away. Again, he will shut down and spend more time than you care for, analyzing you, why he should be with you, what he wants to do with his life. I’m not saying bite your tongue ladies, but don’t burn any bridges either.
5. Age: He’s looking at himself in the mirror throwing a pity party saying, I”m such and such age, I should have, I should be, I should look like this. Now he has to sit back and put a plan in motion to accomplish everything he didn’t do. And guess what? (Most) men cannot multi-task. He can’t deal with you and handle his issues. Nooooo, that might be too damn much. So he’s going to put you on hold, emotionally, he won’t be in the building. Sorry, he has to focus on him so he can feel like a man. Any minor glitch in his system will set him off and he will become emotionally unavailable to you.
There are different and deeper issues he may be dealing with, but just to scratch the surface, these are some of the main things that will send him into the darkness. There is nothing we can do about that. The question to you ladies is, what do you do when your man has become emotionally unavailable? Do you stay and hold him down even though he’s swatting you away like a gnat at a barbecue? Or do you leave and come back when he got his shit right. What do you do? I’m not sure, but I can tell you what NOT to do.
Do not sit around and be ignored. It’s but so much shutting down and disconnection anybody can take. He doesn’t feel as if he can open up to you, his woman? Then that’s a big red flag. And if he doesn’t care enough to share his issues with you then you shouldn’t care enough to stick around trying to find out. But it’s for you. Go out, do things, live your life, but do check in on him from time to time to see if there is any progress in your mate. But there is so much you can do if he’s not letting you in and then on top of that he’s ignoring you? It will only cause you to become just as depressed as him and is that fair? Don’t stop living because he chose to. Maybe he’ll get off his bullshit once he sees you out and about… Without him.
Author and Deputy Editor of Don Diva Magazine