The key to cheating is to never get caught!
Disclaimer: I’m not condoning cheating at all but if you feel that you must… here’s a few tips….
Some of us are in crappy relationships, or maybe the fire just went out, but you still love your man, or maybe he cheated on you in the past and you are just dying to use that “get out of jail free” card. Perhaps your man isn’t putting in work the way he use to. He’s ignoring you, you don’t feel wanted, needed, loved or adored. Maybe he’s just too damn busy or even worse, he really doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Either way you want to cheat because you are unfulfilled somehow at home. But for whatever reason (kids, time, you got papers on him) he stays, he’s comfortable, you stay, you’re comfortable, but you know in your heart of all hearts that it is about that time to get your itch scratched elsewhere. You love your man, he treats you anywhere from decent to great, but you have only been with that one dick for the past “ever” and you want to just step out and get a taste of something else. Whatever your reason is for cheating, your plan should always be to never get caught!
Now I don’t know about you, but the last thing I would want, is to end my relationship with a fucked up rap sheet. It doesn’t matter how many times he cheated, how dirty, he’s done you, all of that shit goes out the window when the woman gets caught doing some foul shit. No matter what we say or do, the fact of the matter is, we are not equal to men when it comes to morals, self-values and cheating. We cannot do what they do and expect to get the same reaction. I know it’s not fair, but I don’t make the rules. Don’t let Steve Harvey get you fucked up in the game with that think like a man act like a lady bullshit. You are to always conduct yourself like a lady, always think like a woman, act like a woman and you will get treated like a woman. I wish you bitches would understand that already and be great. No man wants to be with a woman that acts like him, moves like him, and wants to be like him. Be a woman!
Now, when/if you caught your man cheating and you stay with him, it is understood that you have given up your right to beef or bear arms in the future. You have given up your right to say shit or bring up his infidelities. Men live by this code. “If she stayed with me after catching me cheating, she can’t use it against me later.” And let me tell you, those bastards stick to that mantra! Men don’t give a shit about the outside baby they had two years ago, the bitch on the side, the hoe who gave him chlamydia, all of that goes out the window when YOU get caught cheating! Men are visual creatures and the last image they want stuck in their head is that of another man hiding the salami in your buns. When you get caught cheating, you are every whore, ain’t shit bitch, piece of shit, slut, bird in the book! So make sure you hide those dick picks in the secret apps on your phone, delete those dirty texts and make sure no unmarked cars are outside of the Fairfield Marriott in Brooklyn behind Wycoff Houses late night on the low watching you “creep.”
So for my ladies looking for a way to creep, here are a few suggestions. It may not be fool proof but it damn sure beats getting your shit tossed down the incinerator and your credit cards cut up.
Okay so here’s a few simple things you can do to make sure you don’t get caught or raise any suspicions.
- Always without question, take care of your man ladies. Do not let that negroe on the side have you acting brand new! Know where your bread is buttered hoe, because nine times out of ten if your man finds out and he leaves you, this cat you’re creeping with is not going to wife you or take care of you the way that your man is. He’s already looking at you like a foul bitch for fucking another man behind your man’s back. So don’t get it twisted. Just because he enjoys the time he spends with you doesn’t mean he actually respects you and trusts you enough to take you serious when/if you become single. He most likely won’t. So do not miss a beat when it comes to home. You make sure you are home on time doing all of the things you are supposed to do because the minute your man is unsatisfied, his antennas are going to go up and you don’t need him digging in the crates for shit!
- If you’re a bum ass panty and bra wearing bitch, remain a bum ass panties and bra wearing bitch and find you a dude that likes bitches who wears bum ass panties and bra’s. Because the second your man finds some new sexy panties he’s going to know instantly you’re cheating. Game over!
- Make sure the person you choose to cheat on your man with has as much to lose as you! The last thing you want to do is fuck some desperate single dude that’ll stalk you and threaten to ruin your relationship because he’s all in his feelings and most importantly he has nothing to lose.
- Fuck around during work hours or any hours that keeps you under the radar so that you can be on schedule and have your ass home on time like its nothing. Don’t try to leave the club early and dip off with ole boy. Don’t do that if you live with your man. You cannot wash your ass because you can’t come home smelling like soap after being in the club all night and you can’t come home smelling like Raheem either. So if you must go to his house during club hours, I suggest you spill a bottle of Henny on you or some coffee so when you come home you can jump straight in the shower with no suspicions. He’ll see the stains all on you and won’t want to hit that anyway til you wash the “club shit” off of you.
- Don’t save any numbers or messages in your phone. Memorize that shit and absolutely NO TEXTS. All this screen shot bullshit, Google saving your texts and Sprint keeping archives on your shit, nah man, tell him to send a note in a bottle or via pigeon, Morse code anything but those damn text messages. #DontBeADumbBitch.
- Keep your friends out of your business! There is always that ONE bitch that’ll forget the script and fuck everything up! She’ll conveniently forget her lines when your man calls her looking for you, she’ll forget the script months down the line when he “conveniently” brings up that night you and her went hanging out and came home the next day, because trust me he may not say shit but your man is low key keeping tabs on you so don’t EVER sleep! But yes, keep the bitches out your business. She’ll throw shit in your face later, she’ll “sub” you when she’s in her feelings. Bitches ain’t shit so do your dirt all by your lonely. It’s the best and safest way.
- Use Condoms please! It’ll be just your luck you catch some shit and then your man is going to murder ya bloodclot! Wrap it up! Or even worse you get pregnant…and on a rare occasion your man wants you to keep it….and you don’t know whose fucking kid it is. Jesus no, just use condoms anyway. That’ll be real foul of you to be fucking other dudes raw then going home to your man.
So in conclusion let me say this, yes it is true we are sneakier than men are when it comes to cheating. Men will fuck outta both pants legs and pray they don’t get caught. Don’t be like them ladies. The name of the game is to keep your dignity! Keep a clean record! No felonies, no charges, keep your rap sheet clean! And definitely don’t catch feelings! Ration that cheating shit out before you wind up talking about “him” in your sleep and you wake up on the front lawn with your clothes on top of you. Or to be completely safe, just don’t cheat at all. But to each his own.
And for the men shaking their heads at this article and mumbling to themselves how bitches aint shit, you’re probably reading this article while you’re at the next bitch house now, so shut the hell up!
Happy and Safe Creeping you Creeps!
Deputy Editor of Don Diva Magazine, Author