Who are the pu$$y bandits? They are our “baby daddies” that shack up with us and play house, knock us up, beat the vagina up, wear us down, cock block other penis but never marry us. They are our non-committal men.
They will buy us a beautiful engagement ring, call us their wifey– some will even go as far as buying us cars, houses and whatever else they can afford but never walk us down that aisle or give us their last name. These are the vagina bandits- they steal the pu$$y and hold it hostage!
The relationship drama of a man being with a woman for years, starting a family and playing house, but never marrying her is far more common than most women would probably like to know. Out of wedlock births accounted for 1/3 of all U.S. births in 2003.
And yes, black women are more likely to have a child without being married than white. In 2005, almost 70% of all black women that had children were not married. While marriage is not a top priority for some women, most women want to get married and it is their man that is refusing.
Many of these non-committal men, even add insult to injury by eventually leaving the mother of their children and marrying some other woman they barely know. Stepping off and legalizing the next broad is hurtful, but not the real issue. The real issue is why they don’t marry the women that are good enough to bring life to their seeds in the first place. Why are they content just to play house? Do they even realize the effects it has on us and our children?
Unfortunately, most women equate marriage to self-esteem. Having a husband gives us a sense of worthiness and value. It is sad, but it is true for the majority of women. Just the word husband and being able to say we have one gives us a sense of superiority. We won’t even get into what the actual wedding means. We invite everyone we know even if we don’t like them just so they can watch us get married and show them that we are worthy; even if we go into hock doing it.
Women believe that if a man doesn’t marry her there is something wrong with her. Part of this reason is because a man who doesn’t want to marry you, but doesn’t want to lose you, will focus on all of your negative traits, past mistakes and plain ‘ole dumb shit to support his position of stalling so that the woman begins to believe she is not worthy of marrying. All the while these non-committal men will enjoy her good qualities and the comforts of her playing wife and taking care of his children. He has all the benefits and none of the commitment.
The painful reality for most is that once a man sees a flaw in you he may never marry you. He will always think he can do better or the grass is greener. A man doesn’t even have to have another woman in mind to assume the grass is greener somewhere else. Even the worst men, that ain’t about shit, think they can do better. (Ironic, isn’t it?)
When women meet a man that they develop feelings for, and think he may be the one, they give up the pu$$y (too fast), move in with him (too fast) and start playing wifey (without the commitment). Cooking, cleaning, washing his dirty draws, dealing with his momma and putting up with his loud ass friends, all in the hopes of getting that ring and even more importantly, being his real wife. Although they love their children and consider them blessings- the worst thing they do with these men, who are slow at or refusing to marry them, is having their children. Think about it, once he gets you to have his baby what is the purpose of marrying you? You aren’t going anywhere.
In 2004 a study in demography found that a year after the birth of a child only 15% of co-habitating couples had married. Translation- If he didn’t marry you before you had his first baby he probably won’t ever marry you. Studies also show that unwed mothers are significantly less likely to marry and more likely to co-habitat than women without children. Translation- if you didn’t marry before you have your baby the likelihood of you ever getting married to your baby daddy or any other man decreases greatly.
No matter what some women do, there are certain men who are just never going to commit and will always have an excuse. With this man it doesn’t matter how well you perform fellatio, that you put up with his bitchy mother, deal with all his other kids, get freaky in bed, run the house, help him with his business, turn a blind eye to his cheating, drug abuse or physical abuse- he will NEVER marry you. You could have wings on your back and an endorsement from God and he will think he can do better or that there is no benefit in taking the commitment step. Ladies, don’t get it twisted- this is not to bash men. The ones that don’t want to get married usually tell you in the beginning of the relationship- some of them will repeat it daily. The ones that don’t tell us, give us clues like cheating, never setting a wedding date, or just never discussing it. Just because you have children together doesn’t mean he will change his mind. This doesn’t mean that they are bad fathers or even bad mates- they just don’t want to be married. If you chose not to believe him or think you can change him, then you are fooling yourself. You need to accept the truth and stop being delusional.
Some women need to realize that they are just wasting their time. Staying just for the kids is not a good reason- research shows that children will be negatively affected by their parent’s cohabitation. Every relationship transition for the mother including divorce, widowhood and new live-in situations increases the likelihood of cohabitation by 32% for their sons and 42% their daughters. Translation- the more men your children see you have in your life the more likely they won’t get married and just play house as well. Daughters often follow their mother’s footsteps. If their mother co-habits, their daughters are 57% more likely to do it and at earlier ages. Translation- your daughter is going to do exactly what she sees her mommy do.
In addition to the emotional damage and the loss of time that these situations cause, there is an economical effect that not being legally married has on women as well. Unmarried mothers and their children are also five times more likely to live below the poverty line. In addition, just shacking-up with a man gives a woman little to no legal rights, even if she has his children in many areas. If something were to happen to this man- i.e. He dies- his woman would not be entitled to his social security benefits or any of his other property- that she probably helped him buy. When a man dies without a Will, his property legally goes to his wife first, then his children (even the ones outside of his home), then his mother, father, sisters or brothers. However, we all know that when someone dies, his immediate family sometimes gets stupid. The man could have been a trifling bum, but if he dies and he had two pieces of lint; they are going to fight to get it. We all know someone who was living with some man for years and when he died, his momma put his woman out or their house with her kids or took all the furniture out the house. Disgusting! People often behave badly, but the bottom line is if this man cared about this woman he would have made sure he had her protected.
In addition to your lack of legal standing when it comes to finances, a woman who is not legally married to her man also has no rights to say where or how he is buried. If he had a serious accident, she would have no say regarding his medical care. If he goes to jail, the institution does not have to put you on his visiting list. At the end of the day, all the love, time and emotion you put into this man for half your life doesn’t count.
What should a woman do?
As much as women would like to believe they can- You can’t change a man! Just like you can’t stop your momma from drinking, your best-friend from being a hoe or make your sister leave the husband that beats her. People, especially men only change when they lose enough and want to change. PERIOD! So you can keep doing your Kegal exercises to tighten up your pu$$y, fix meals like Patti Labelle, threaten him and harass him- he will never marry you if he doesn’t want to. That ladies is the end of story. Anything you do after this is on you and probably a waste of your time. You are more than likely going to wake up at age 45 with very few options and having wasted your good coochie years. If you want to be married then you need to LEAVE the man that won’t marry you and find one that will.
Yes, it will be a little more difficult because you have a child- but it is possible! There are women out there that have three baby daddies and they found a man to love and take care of them and their kids. (Okay, not too many) Ladies, we all know when a man really loves you he will do anything for you. There are plenty of good men out there that don’t have a problem being a positive role model for someone else’s child. They are a needle in a haystack instead of a dime a dozen, but anything worth having is worth looking and waiting for. Don’t stay where you are not getting what you need. Men are wonderful creatures and when you find the one that is for you it is bliss, but don’t be afraid to say this ain’t it. There is no crime in letting go of something that isn’t working for you. Don’t stay for your child. Children are resilient and they adapt. By all means make their father do his part. Child support is a must but have enough love for yourself to know that you deserve to be respected, loved and married, if that is what you want for your life.
Finally, don’t blame your man 100% for your situation- ultimately you stayed because you wanted to. A man can only get away with what you allow. So at the end of the day, he may be stringing you along, but you gave him the rope.